Apple is doing its best to make ladies' parts difficult for adolescent males to find. It's like the 70s all over again
Even though I'm frightfully middle class (and I have the Ian McEwan novels to prove it), I did actually go to a fairly crappy comprehensive in Birmingham. It wasn't all bad because I got to meet people like Dill, who was in the football team with me.
Dill was very good at holding the ball up, but what I remember best about him was his dry Brummie wit. I recall asking him once if he was coming out to the local disco: "Nah, there's something on the telly I want to watch," came the reply.
What was that, I asked.
"Hungarian film. About lesbians."
I've no doubt it was true. If you were 15 in 1980 the options for accessing any kind of female nudity were extremely limited – and all the most delicious when they arrived. You'd do anything for a glimpse of bum, even if it meant risking three hours in the company of Bela Tarr.
I thought of Dill this week when I read about Apple's ban on saucy apps for the iPhone. It was, of course, a ridiculous token gesture that only hurt the indy developers of what is already very tame material. Big name publishers appear unaffected, and all manner of depraved filth is available from the Safari browser anyway.
But hats off to Apple for trying to return us to those happy days when seeing real ladies' nipples was bloody difficult. Kids today, with their Snoop Dogg videos and their phone box calling cards, have no idea what it was like for us fighting the buttock wars of the 70s.
I believe Apple, Android, Ovi and the others have an opportunity. How about apps that recreate the hardship – and sheer joy – of those depressing days?
Here are some ideas:
* Porn In The Park – this RPG challenges players to walk their dog across the local 'rec'. Hidden somewhere is a treasure trove of 'Reader's Wives – Nuneaton Special" magazines. But where can it be? The bin? The ditch? Inside the children's sandpit?
* Your Friend's Dirty Dad's House – a variation on the above. Ian's dad looks like the type to have a horde of breathtaking Dutch stuff in his house somewhere. He is a lorry driver after all. Your challenge is to solve the logic puzzles that get you inside his magic shed.
* Grattan's iCatalogue – 876 pages of fully scrollable appalling 70s fashions. Somewhere buried deep inside it are ladies in girdles.
* DH Lawrence's Lady Chatterley's Lover eBook – the original and still the best. What could be more horny than dialogue like this: "Tha's got such a nice tail on thee... Tha's got the nicest arse of anybody. It's the nicest, nicest woman's arse as is!"
In every case, there should be an 'older brother' option that unlocks every 'gentleman's pamphlet' automatically.
And there should also be a severe ticking off from a teacher, who promises to dispose of the evidence himself.
http://www.mobile-ent.biz/news/36190...rn-opportunity
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