Game Review: Beowulf: The Game (PSP)
Beowulf....just finished reading about it in English class. Turned in a 6 page essay and got an 85. Went and saw the movie, as unfaithfully inaccurate it was. Safe to say I know a good bit about the Geat's history and who he is. But I know one thing, if he was ever an actual character, and if he was alive today, he would have one hell of a time tearing out the insides of whoever made this pathetically awful mockery of his "good" name. This game is a mess. Yet another pathetic attempt at producing a God of War clone, although this one is so bad, Kratos would kill himself for this game even being a CLONE of his. Thats for introduction, you'll see my reason soon...
The story begins where you are on a flaming(?) island with your apparent friend Barrack (ever heard of him? No? Me neither....) After spending ten or so minutes mercilessly beating up crabs with your fancy , button mashing 4 attack combo, you then arrive on an island to fight some sea monsters ( :rofl: ). After "defeating" them you begin on your way to defeat a monster named Grendal for a King and his people. This soon sets a chain of events leading to Beowulf's kingship...and death.
Graphics don't look half bad...when you standing still. As soon as Beowulf starts moving, things become messy. To avoid wasting time for wording, I'll just say that the game soon looks like it was shoved up a horses ass then shot out through its mouth. Yes, its that bad. No need harping on what has already been quite nicely stated.
Sound is so bad, its funny. I can't even remember whether each level had music or not, and Beowulf's single grunt for every attack he does gave me a borderline migraine. It just doesn't work. Voice acting during cut scenes is, at best, only mediocre. Looking through the eyes of someone who would care, the lip sync is practically non-existent. Mass Effect this ain't.
Gameplay....wow.
That practically sums it up. But for the reader, I'll explain WHY its so freaking terrible. X button: Roll. Square: Punch. Triangle: Single, unchainable smash attack. Circle: Grab. Now this could even be moderately acceptable. But the makers of this game couldn't LET it be acceptable. The mechanism for attacks is so broken up, when trying to change directions during attack either never works, or when it does, spins you completely the wrong way. Not even a slight auto aim, and when the length of your weapon reaches barely past you face, that quickly becomes a problem.Blocking attacks does nothing. At best it'll make him take a small amount less damage, but still fly 12 meters northeast. Commanding your Thanes is an absolute needless and pointless feature. Your teamates suck, just like you; theres no point in sending a team of idiots to do one idiots job. Carnage mode is a mockery of power-modes such as Rage of the Gods. Yes, your invincible, but with no extra powers and still having the ability to be thrown from here to there with an enemy's pinky, its as worthless as they come.
Replay value for Beowulf...an oxymoron.
Overall:
Graphics: 2.5/5
These graphics don't even belong on a broken NDS. it is fun watching the background have a seizure every time you move, though.
Sound: 1.5/5
Terrible. I even feel bad for the people who had to MAKE the voiceovers.
Gameplay:1/5
Punch, punch, punch, get punted like a football. I am Beowulf.
Replay Value: 0.5/5
Haha, replay value....haha....
Overall:
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I guess the basic point I'm trying to say it STAY AWAY. You'll be glad you did. Don't even get this if someone is willing to PAY you for taking it.
The MINIVIEW hath spoken!
