Favorite Dirty Joke

[chrono75]

Post your favorite dirty joke here... Mmmmm kay?
Here's mine, added quite a bit of detail to it but I think it makes it better...
And a dirty pig taking a bath to get clean or some crap isn't going to cut it! I know people might think of posting that one!
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There were three men wondering famished and thirsty through a desert. One man told the other two; "If we don't get something to eat soon, we're all going to die out here!" The other two men agreed and they kept walking searching for food or any type of water source. Just before the end of their rope, they saw a shack in the distance. Thinking it was some kind of mirage or their minds were playing tricks on them, they rubbed their eyes and to their surprise it was real. They cheered at the thought that there might be some kind of food or drink in that shack so they ran as fast as their worn out bodies could carry them towards it. As they arrived they saw there was a sign labeling the shack "Ye Olde Shop" and they burst through the front door looking around. Before their eyes lay a ghastly woman, (More disgusting than any woman you have ever seen. More disgusting than that fat lady that works at McDonals you see from time to time.) The ghastly woman smiled a vapor inducing grin as her few teeth and pasty gums oozed mucus from never ever brushing them. Her face was enough to stop a blind man in his tracks and drop over dead. The men cautiously went up to her and asked if they could please have any food or drink that was going bad or wasn't expected to be sold. The woman grunted "Yew think this hur store thrives on beggers? You gotta pay fur wut you buy here honey!" The men became very very dissapointed. The first man asked, "Now, I know a fine lady like youself would enjoy a fine man like myselfs company, right? Maybe we can strike a physical deal. (He bent forward trying not to gag, about a foot from her face.) Honey." The nasty woman looked away and then back at the first man licking her teeth in interest. "Well, I don't get many offers like that," she said and asked the first man to go into the back room with her. He did. The other two men sat wondering what the hell the first man was thinking and thought secondly about the ill proposal the first man had made. Soon after, the first man went screaming out of the backroom, "it's alive!! It's alive!!" He yelped as he busted ass out the front door. The two men left looked at eachother. The second man said, "hell, I'm a lonely man, how bad could it be?" And ented the dark backroom. Soon after he entered, he high-stepped it back out to the frontdoor too, passing the third man screaming something about an amazing salt and vinegar sort of smell. Only the third man was left and he shuttered from hunger and fear at the same time looking into the mysterious backroom. Then, he saw the repulsive woman's finger lurch out of the backroom doorway and taunt him back there with a demonic like giggle. The third man swallowed hard. He was too damn hungry to think so he went. When he entered the backroom he saw the woman spread out on a sacks of wheat with her legs wide open revealing her monsterous vigina that sent unforgettable odor throughout the dark room. The man's eyes nearly swelled shut and his nose curled in all by itself. "Okay honey," he said, "I'll give you what you want." Regretting the words as they came from his mouth totally disagreeing with his stomach he looked to the right and saw a barrel of corn cobs. He got the womans attention and told her that he liked it better if the women he made love to closed their eyes while he worked his magic. She grinned something else and wiped a giant stream of snot ozzing out of her nose creating a foot and a half snail trail up her arm that glistened in the sunlight that was pouring in mildly from a nearby window. She closed her eyes slowly. The man quickly grabbed a corn cob in his right hand, looked up, made a quick prayer to God, knelt down and slowly eased the corn cob into the giant beast of a sickening woman. She moaned like a male hog having a forty-five minute orgasm as she felt him working his way in and out of her nasty vigina. Soon, the corn cob became soggy with her juices and he looked at it with amazement and threw it out the window to his left. "What was that?" she said opening one eye a slight amount. "Nothing baby... Ohhh, you're so good baby!" The man replied. "Now shut your eyes for me again because I can't work with you watching me," the man whispered. She closed her eyes again. The man quickly grabbed another corn cob and reapeated the process above. This went on and on, again and again. In and out with corn cobs and when they went soggy he whipped them out the window. Finally the woman said "Enough! You can have anything in the store you wish!" tired from being poked with corn cobs for quite awhile. The man eagerly ran back outside, "fellas, fellas! We can have anything we want now!" and looked around the side of the shack.
His friends turned to him wiping some residue around their mouths off with giant smiles and said "screw what shes got! Theres buttered corn flying out the window back here!"

[kando]

oh my god /pukes!

/rofl

[Destroyer699]

There were once a hapily married couple. They were taking a vacation to an island with a golf resort. The woman took a shot on the 15th hole, but the ball took a turn for the worst. It took a right turn and crashed through a window of a very expensive looking mansion. They were very embarresed when they went up to the house to apologize to the owner. When they rang the doorbell a man opened and thanked them. He said," Thank you. I am a genie who was trapped in a lamp. When your ball crashed through the window it knocked over my lamp and freed me. To thank you I shall grant you 3 wishes, but because there are only 2 of you, I will make the third wish." The couple, overjoyed, thought of their wishes. The man said, " I wish to make ten million dollars a month." The genie waved his hand and said, "Done." Then the wife said, " I wish to own a house in every city of the world." The genie did the same for her. Then he replied" Now my wish. I wish to have sex with your wife once. Being trapped in a lamp for hundreds of years can be very lonely." The wife agreed as this genie had granted the couple their life wishes. They went up to his room, and when they were done he asked her somthing. He asked, "By the way, how old are you?" She replied, " I am 35 years old, why do you ask?" He chuckled and said, "35 and you still believe in genies?"

The End.

[chrono75]

LOL nice 1, that's the first time I've ever heard that!

[kando]

LOL destroyer! ahahahahahhhhhhaa!!

[chrono75]

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a writz cracker?

A: Ones a snack cracker and the others a crack snacker

just decided to throw in that quickie! :P


ALSO
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A blonde walks by a field and sees another blonde in a boat roaing herself in the middle of a patch of weeds. The blonde walking yells "hey! It's stupid bitches like you that give blondes a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"

[mcvader]

A man with a speech impediment goes shopping,
he walks into a hardware store and asks the clerk "can I buy a ****et, the clerk replies "don't you mean a bucket?" "thats what I said a ****et", next he goes to a greengrocer and asks the clerk "Can I buy a Bum please?" to which the clerks responds "don't you mean a plum " "thats what I said a Bum", the last item on his shopping list was a clock so into the clock shop he goes and asks the owner "can I buy a $#@! please" the clock maker thinks about it for a second and replies "don't you mean a clock?" "thats what I said a $#@!", with his shopping done for the day he heads home, on the way a man asks him the time (drum roll) "well, if you hold my bum and ****et I'll get my $#@! out".

Sucks I know, I think someone told me that one way back in primary school.

[SnesR0X]

primary?? wow, ur a naughty child

[mcvader]

no I don't mean i'm in primary school now, Primary school for me ended back in '94.

[chrono75]

lol, my brother has speech problems... heres another favorite of mine...

Two woman vampire walk into a bar. One blonde, one brunette. The brunette asks the bartender for a warm cup of blood. He serves her a warm cup of blood. The blonde vampire asks for a warm cup of water. The bartender asks, "don't you want some blood?" Then, the blonde vampire reaches between her legs and pulls out a dripping bloody tampon with an accomplished look on her face.
"Teabag!"
haha.