Chuck Norris > You.

[sourced]

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."


It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."

Chuck Norris invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his porn.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris does not have pubic hair. He has a groin beard.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes web pages by blinking.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame

Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

Chuck Norris' smile once brought a puppy back to life.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris stole Vin Diesel's hair to make his beard.

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.

When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond. When Chuck Norris squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in his diamond mines.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one

Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.]

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

The difference between Chuck Norris and a fly is that Chuck Norris can fly but a fly can't Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

and heres my favourite;

Chuck norris' testicles dont produce sperm, they produce tiny white little ninjas with only one mission, "seek and destroy".

[ICE]

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

so can i
bump bump no bump 3 vertical bumps and a square.

[sourced]

so can i
bump bump no bump 3 vertical bumps and a square.

LOL:rofl:

[Shadowblind]

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.


Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING

[kcajblue]

lol. this is gonna get closed.

[Axelius]

I wonder who started all this Chuck Norris stuff...

EDIT: I think I've found the solution: "Chuck Norris Facts were originally seen on the Internet in early 2005. Conan O'Brien's Chuck Norris jokes on Late Night with Conan O'Brien (which generally center on Walker, Texas Ranger) have been seen as an inspiration for the fad."(Wikipedia)

[kcajblue]

i dont know, but some of it is pretty funny.

[VampDude]

Isn't Chuck Norris that cowboy movie guy?

[Mr. Shadow]

Yeah from Wlaker texes ranger.

[SnesR0X]

Isn't Chuck Norris that cowboy movie guy?

Chuck jokes not popular where you are?